Cold Open Sketch Pre-recorded Weekend Update Music Performance Other
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
As couples dine at a Chicago restaurant on Valentine's Day, 1929, a patron named Roger (Dan Aykroyd) asks Jimmy the waiter (Chevy Chase) to move his car into the garage from the snow. After Jimmy steps outside, a round of gunfire is heard, and Jimmy tumbles back into the restaurant filled with bullet holes and enough energy to open the show.
Peter Boyle's Monologue
Just seconds after the stage has been cleared of the cold opening sketch, Peter Boyle walks out and tells the audience about his new girlfriend, Lorraine, who's sitting among them. Because it's Valentine's Day, he sings the Rogers & Hart classic, "My Funny Valentine", just for her, unaware that she's making out with another man in the audience.
Ambassador Training Institute
A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.
Samurai Divorce Court
Mr. (John Belushi) and Mrs. Futaba (Jane Curtin) are getting divorced, so their divorce lawyer (Peter Boyle) calls them together to divide their assets. The task is simple at first, but soon the disparity prevails and they begin to split everything down the middle with Futaba's samurai sword. There's still the matter of declaring custody of their young daughter, Bingo (Jenny Shapiro), but is it better to split her across the waist or down the middle?
The Shapiro Sisters Lip-Sync "This Will Be"
Peter Boyle introduces The Shapiro Sisters, a child trio who dance and lip-synch the Natalie Cole song "This Will Be."
The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family's emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).
Jason & Chloe's Slide Show
Stoners Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe (Laraine Newman) are visited by their neighbor Bob (Peter Boyle), who keeps mistakenly receiving suspicious packages addressed for them. They invite him inside to watch weird slides from their recent trip.
Al Jarreau Performs "We Got By"
Al Jarreau Performs "We Got By".
Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) speaks highly of the new Corrida automobile, which he finds satisfactory in spite of its poor assembly.
Weekend Update With Chevy Chase
Chevy Chase narrates Patty Hearst trial testimony over images of art masterpieces. Garrett Morris reports on the Winter Olympics from Innsbruck a week after they've ended. Back at the Blaine Hotel, Laraine Newman reports from outside a snuff director's room. In an editorial reply, Emily Litella is against donating money for canker research.
K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun
Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.
An exciting tag team wrestling match between Bees (John Belushi, Peter Belushi) and WASPs (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner).
Remembrance of Things Past
Jane Curtin intrviews a disguised Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd), going by the alias of Mr. X, about his recent activities.
The Pledge Of Allegiance
This week's Gary Weis film shows schoolchildren reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The last line, "With liberty, and justice for all," cuts to a delivery by Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris).
As the banjo music from "Deliverance" plays, Peter Boyle and John Belushi, dressed in "Wild One" garb, one-up one another with lines from Marlon Brando films.
When a husband (Peter Boyle) comes home early, he discovers various men hidden among his household appliances. His wife (Jane Curtin) convinces him they aren't suspicious men, but, rather, new household products designed to run his home more efficiently.
"A Home Movie"
Filmed by viewer Howard Grunwald, this week's home movie is literally video footage of the outside of a house. Afterwards, Gilda Radner asks Don Pardo to tell other home viewers where to send their home movies for inclusion on SNL.
Garrett Morris gives Gilda Radner a raunchy Valentine's Day card.
Al Jarreau performs "Somebody's Watching You"
Al Jarreau performs "Somebody's Watching You".
When a housewife (Anne Beatts) uses the Speed diet pill, she's able to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time.
Gary Weis' film shows holiday travelers reuniting with their families at the airport, to to the sound of the Simon & Garfunkel classic "Homeward Bound."